Instructions for Women

Amananta has a wonderful post up, Simple Rules for Women to Follow to Avoid Trouble. Be sure to read it ASAP.

I hope she doesn’t mind, but I’m adding my own suggestion to her list. My suggestion is illustrated, to help us smaller-brained women comprehend the rules.

Rule #11: Always walk behind the man you serve. Following this rule accomplishes two things: it shows your man that you respect his superior mind and worth, and it shows the world that you embrace your subservient position.

Oh, cheer up. The servants have to walk behind you!

Note the good form here: she’s a pace behind, but watching him intently to see where he leads next.

A lovely variation on the rule! Walk behind the man, but with head bowed passively. Wonderful!

There is one exception to our rule. If the man has been desperately and unsucessfully trying to produce biological offpsring, and finally makes his baby in your body, you may walk alongside him. This allows him to show off his handiwork:

When the pregnancy is over, immediately step back behind him and assume your correct position.

10 responses to “Instructions for Women

  1. Oh SE… I saw the saddest pic of Katie Holmes today…

    Apparently taken the day before she (?) allowed the press to follow her, her mother and her mother in law round the shops, she was visiting a ‘beauty’ parlour. She looked so sad, so drawn, so tired.

    But it’s not allowed, is it? Celeb? Just had a baby? Gotta look hawt. Ergo – ‘beauty’ parlour.

    I feel so sorry for that woman in so many ways….

  2. proviso to rule #11:

    … but remember to hold his hand, and thus show how empowered(tm) you are compared to those poor muslim women who also walk behind their husbands, but are – unlike all those lucky white women – oh so horribly oppressed that they require saving (probably by white men, the most chivalrous men of all!).

    Eh, I’m in a sarcastic mood even by my standards. Katie Holmes looks like she’s suffered more bullshit in a few months than I will in my entire life. My sympathy to her and all…

  3. Witchy-No, it isn’t allowed.

    People make jokes about her and say things like “Someone should do an intervention for her”. It isn’t funny, it’s true.

    mistermorgan-Yeah, the hand-holding almost gives it a varnish of respect. Have you heard the statements he’s made about her-directing her life, and maybe every detail in it? *shudder*

  4. Yonks ago my marriage started to shift, slide to its inevitable end. One thought was that it was because I no longer wanted my hand held by him, but really it was because I wanted us to walk together. Equal.
    Sorry I have not been able to keep up, but you are always in my days’ rememberances.

  5. I had never thought of this one before. How often to you see a woman trailing a male behind her, unless he is about six. Except for pregnancy, does she stand aside him… LOOK, she has a belly full of MY baby! Very subtle but now you point it out…

  6. Sally-No apologies necessary. But I’m glad to see you’re back!

    Sparkle-Yeah, the only example of men staying behind a woman that pops into mind is the Queen.

  7. Ah see in my part of the world true chivalry prevails. The only circumstance where a gentleman walks in front of a lady is when going downstairs; this is so that should she fall, he will be squished by her and not vice versa. Going upstairs, and in any other circumstance where single-file is required, ladies first.

    I know several men who insist on walking on the outside of the pavement (sidewalk). Presumably this originates from a time when the roads were sodden and filthy all the time, and skirts were very full and prone to getting splashed by passing traffic.

    None of this stuff bothers me, although these same men will attempt to pay for everything and on that issue, I draw the line.

  8. I was totally serious when I said, “someone should do an intervention.”

    My wife and I walk side by side, but I sometimes get ahead because I have a longer stride. Or, when I get uncomfortable in a crowd I’ll move ahead so we can slice through and escape.

  9. Ahh, no I can’t say I’ve heard his actual remarks, but I had heard comments that he’s completely batshit insane.

    The hand-holding offends me because it’s so false. It’s not loving in the least – he’s doing it so she’ll stay with him even if she can’t quite keep up. They’re going where HE wants.

    … Sparkle, you’re right about the baby, too. ‘Look at what I did!!’. Gah.

  10. Oh gawd, i have often pondered the hetboy-clutch. There’s the me Tarzan, you follow along as i drag you by the wrist, as noted here; there is also the protective arm firmly encircled around the neck or shoulders as they both peer out at the world with frightened, suspicious little eyes.

    Katie Holmes=Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby, i think. No, I know, it’s not funny, but i…yeah, i dunno, the fucked-up circus that is celebrity drama. i guess the only hope is that this marriage ends up as short-lived as most Hollywood partnerships, and that she kicks his clamtastic ass to the curb sooner rather than later.

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