I owe people emails, there are comments I really want to reply to, I’ve got a list of phone calls I’m supposed to make. None of this will be happening any time soon. I’ve descended to the level in mental illness where being able to “just do one thing” is a major victory. This post is that one thing.
The good news is that the withdrawal from Cymbalta is mostly over. I have little flare-ups, but the constant and severe symptoms are over. For anyone who’s read here, and who is currently going through it, trust me when I say that it will get better. I strongly recommend getting prescription medication for nausea and for cramping if you can. You’ll weather the symptoms much more effectively.
That’s the end of the good news. I’ve slipped into a severe depression. The withdrawal of the antidepressant, plus the stress of Cymbalta withdrawal, and the isolation that’s happened since I became disabled, were too much. Lithium (plus an antidepressant) saved my life last time this happened, and it kept me stable (NO severe depressions) for five years. I thought I was safe. You’re never really safe from depression, but lithium made me feel safe and I was grateful for that sense of peace. I’m devastated that it’s failed.
Now I’m back doing the suicide dance. Please note: I am not going to kill myself. Suicide is a complex phenomenon, and the actual killing is the the final stage. I’m still at the early stages, where thoughts of death and the futility of life, are frequent. Besides, I made the promise years ago to stay alive, so please don’t call the police on me. I’ve started a new mood stabilizer, I am in counseling, and as I said, I made that promise way back to stay alive. A new-to-me mood state drastically worsens the suicidal thoughts. I’m now experiencing mixed states, a combination of depression and (hypo)mania. You feel the symptoms of both at the same time. In my case, it’s feeling suicidal while having so much energy I feel like I’m coming out of my skin.
Ugh. The self-centeredness of depression makes the suffering even worse. Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts, and for checking on me. Sorry for my lack of response.
Categories: mental illness
The scene: I’m making blueberry banana muffins. Bumble loves blueberries, and worships bananas. I thought I’d peek at him from the kitchen and see if the mashing of the bananas caught his interest:
And a PS to people about my last post on the (never-ending) Cymbalta withdrawal: I really appreciate your thoughts, and how supportive you’re being. I turned off comments because I needed to vent, but didn’t want anyone to feel they had to respond. I’m sick to death of all of this, I’m sure you are too. 
Categories: Monday Bunny Blogging
Today is day 43 of the Cymbalta discontinuation syndrome. The symptoms are impressively strong. I am not.
Categories: disability · health care · mental illness
She doesn’t pet me because she is ill
When I got mad she said “This will pass”
Well I’ve had my fill of this Cymbalta pill
So she can stare at my ass.
Categories: Monday Bunny Blogging
If you’re a social justice activist, you are obligated to stand up to bias and hate wherever you find it. Ah, but there’s the problem: you have to be able to notice the bias and hate to be able to protest it. For so many bloggers who focus on social justice, disablism is a non-issue. Aside from the ethical implications, it just doesn’t make sense for activists to refuse to confront disablism. After all, disability is a group with open membership.
Activists working for disablity rights, accessibility, and recognition that people with disabilities (PWD) exist are used to constant disregard from the larger social justice movement. They shouldn’t be. There should be enough heart in the social justice movement that it can include people with disabilities, and we shouldn’t have to beg able-bodied people to fight disablism.
A horrible and painful recent example illustrates the indifference afforded to PWD. When Cho Seung-Hui murdered 32 people at Virginia Tech, I was comforted by a rapid response by bloggers. Many people raised concerns at how people would use this incident to fuel racism. Feminists addressed gender roles and violence, stalking, and how quickly the first two murders were dismissed as being “just” a domestic dispute.
However, as more information emerged, I started reading more and more about how the killer had been treated for mental illness! Dramatic examples of disablism followed. “He killed because he was mentally ill.” “Mentally ill people should be banned from university campuses.” “Crazy people should be locked up for life-the rest of us have a right to feel safe.” Be very clear: the same things would have been said even if there was no history of mental illness. When someone does a horrific thing, the first response is that they were crazy. Able-bodied people have tried to teach me that this association of the word “crazy” with horrific incidents really doesn’t matter.
I didn’t hear much outrage over the disablism. Where were my sisters and brothers who work so hard for social justice? There was plenty of excellent analysis of mental health issues and the tragedy at Virginia Tech. The problem is that it was only coming from bloggers who regularly write about mental health issues.
Where were the rest of you? And how will you respond next time?
Categories: disability · mental illness
