Dear Executives at Eli Lilly:
Your product, Cymbalta, sucks ass and should not be promoted for human consumption. You know which product I’m referring to, don’t you? The same drug that you’re pushing off-label as an effective remedy for pain? You really shouldn’t be doing that when you have no credible evidence to support your argument.
I know there are people who have been helped by Cymbalta. For a month or two, I was helped by Cymbalta-it actually reduced the muscle pain of fibromyalgia. But then it stopped working, like antidepressants often do. I’m sure you will point out that some people manage to discontinue Cymbalta without withdrawal symptoms. Guess what? Some people jump from very high places and survive! These people are in the minority, and do not make an effective argument for your wonderfully harmful medication. Don’t just don’t even try it.
Remember how you tried to use legal measures to prevent doctors from warning their patients of the dangers and risks of Cymbalta? Remember how you’ve pushed your other drugs, Prozac, Zyprexa, and that other one I’m too foggy-headed to remember, in the same greedy way? Your only concern has ever been for making as much money as possible, while not caring how many people are harmed or killed by your drugs. Oh, you must laugh over those great memories!
I apologize that I’m not including tons of references* to back up my claims, as your lack of regard for clinical evidence is one of the things I despise most about you. But you see, I am very, very dizzy today, and the computer screen doesn’t seem to be holding still! Each page change makes the dizziness worse, so I’m not wanting to (gulp) surf the web today. Given that I’m nauseated, I also don’t want to up the fun by adding vomiting to my list of withdrawal symptoms, you dogshit pusbags.
The good news is that decreasing and stopping Cymbalta has caused my blood pressure to return to levels compatible with human life. My doctors NEVER warned me about the risk of high blood pressure when I started Cymbalta. Now, I wonder why that could be? Especially since they insisted on taking my blood pressure every time I went to see them. Oh, well, I’m sure high blood pressure couldn’t cause any health problems!
Your friend,
spotted elephant
*For more information on Cymbalta, Eli Lilly, and evil pharmaceutical companies, see Philip’s site Furious Seasons and Cl Psych’s blog, a site of a much longer name, but I need to lie down. Anyway, by not including them in the letter, I’m hoping that Eli Lilly lawyers will only come after me.
Doesn’t lying down make dizziness worse? Anyone have home remedies for dizziness?
